2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
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I saw a video on Instagram last week of a bus driver beating up a child on the bus. I’m not sure of the events leading up to this event, but the bus driver was clearly pushed to his limit and unfortunately resorted to violence as a solution. He verbally and physically abused a child. There is no excuse for this. It does not matter what the child was doing. The adult in the situation must be held responsible for his behavior regardless of the child’s behavior. (The bus driver has since been fired from his position).
While we do hold him responsible, we must also ask the question, “Why?”
Why did the child continue to push the bus driver’s limits?
Why was the bus driver unable to control his response?
Why did he choose to use violence to solve the problem?
The answer to all of these questions likely comes down to fear. For the child, who was a child with special needs and in foster care, something totally unrelated could have caused a fear response and resulted in his behavior. For the bus driver, perhaps he felt that he could not control the situation while safely driving the bus. Fear lies under the surface of so many negative behaviors, which is why it is so important for us, the adults, to not only have compassion, but to be informed and aware about trauma and its impact on behavior.
Many people equate trauma-informed care with compassion. “If we just have compassion, we wouldn’t need trauma-informed care,” is their argument. They don’t see a need for training in trauma-informed practices because they make it all about compassion.
What they have yet to understand is that trauma-informed care is not only having compassion and understanding for the person in front of you but also having compassion and understanding for yourself. Trauma-informed care is just as much about calming and caring for ourselves as it is calming and caring for the child. Trauma-informed care is developing an understanding of the ways that our brains interact with one another and knowing how to respond when another brain is not interacting “appropriately” or “as it should.” Trauma-informed care is far deeper and more complex than compassion, but its roots do begin there.
Trauma that is stored in the brain creates an overactive amygdala, which is the brain’s alarm system, causing us to believe that we are in danger when we actually are not. And when our brains, and therefore bodies, believe we are in danger, we use our survival tools. Our survival tools (fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning) serve us for their purpose: to help us to claw our way out of whatever feels unsafe to our nervous system. (For more info on this, check out this amazing resource)
The problem is that these survival tools do not come with a warning label that reads: ATTENTION: I AM SCARED. In fact, it is just the opposite. Someone who is fearful will likely deny their fear. We think, Sure, I will have compassion for someone who is scared! How could I not? We are confident because we think we know what “scared” looks like: crying, hiding, or begging for help. But these behaviors are only the socially acceptable ways of “being scared.” We also think we will know what is causing the fear: a bully, a new school, or an upcoming test. But that confidence in our compassion can quickly dwindle when the fearful person is getting on our last nerve, attacking our character, or even using aggression to get her way. That confidence in our compassion fades away when the fear seems to come from no outer circumstance, but rather an inner emotional state. Something deeply embedded inside of a trauma-impacted person yells, “DANGER,” even when their outside world whispers, “you are safe.”
Trauma and fear-based behaviors can be at best, annoying and at worst, threatening. In order to get the attention they need, children and teenagers find all of your buttons and push them. They run away. They argue unnecessarily or hit to get their way. They look right at you as they purposefully defy the rules. All of these tactics are being used to communicate their fear, but the fear is disguised as button-pushing, running, arguing, and defying.
The adult’s natural response to these behaviors is generally not compassion; it is a desire for justice. Actually, in many situations, the adult’s nervous systems is activated, telling him that he is in danger, causing him to overreact or respond in a similar manner to the child. Our brains and bodies, rightfully so, tell us to gear up for battle in these situations, and so we do. It takes the supernatural superpowers—or, in my opinion, the work of the Holy Spirit—to understand what is happening under the surface in order to be able to take off that armor that our brains equip us with and then subsequently help the person with that same struggle standing before us.
And even still, the understanding of what is happening under the surface is often not enough, especially if this occurrence is a regular one. We may also need appropriate regulating and coping skills, such as the presence of another safe adult, regulating music, deep breathing, or a walk around the block to help us disarm our own fear before we can help a child disarm theirs.
So then, we return to the idea that trauma-informed care begins with an understanding of what is happening behind the communicative behavior and with having compassion and care for your own self. My best guess about the bus driver was that the child’s behavior triggered a fear response in him, and he did not have the understanding that the behavior was likely not a personal attack nor the coping skills to be able to regulate himself so he could then regulate the child. He might have felt powerless in the situation because he was driving the bus and didn’t have the support needed to make sure the students on the bus were safe, in turn causing him to feel out of control and unsafe. This, then, resulted in an extreme response.
I say none of this to justify the bus driver’s actions, but rather to bring awareness to the bigger problem at hand. The impact of trauma is very real. Unprocessed and unchecked, it can have devastating effects—for children, for teenagers, and for adults. Yes, we should hold children, teenagers, and adults responsible for their actions. But also, yes, we should engage them in a compassionate, trauma-informed way. Perhaps it is necessary to have an aid on the bus to assist students and the bus driver in being safe. Perhaps a parent could ride on the bus for one week to help the child know he is safe and to develop a relationship with the bus driver. Trauma-informed care helps us think about solutions that are outside the box and outside of our typical go-to reactions. But these solutions are what will lead to long-term success in children’s behavior.
The adults in the situation must not be responsible for escalating the problem, but instead responsible for disarming the fear and bringing the child or teenager back to calm. When we have trauma-aware adults who are willing and ready to respond with compassion instead of heaping on more fear, the result will be very different. Instead of having children who become angrier with each trip to the alternative school for their negative behavior, we will have children who feel safe and able to practice the interaction the right way. In caring for children in this way, we give them opportunities to retrain their brain and recognize their value instead of children who return, over and over again, to the same behaviors in order to, in their world, survive.
Fear is the one hanging out underneath the lying, the stealing, the cursing, the defying, the refusing. So, how can we call this knowledge to mind in the moment of dealing with one of these behaviors? How can we address the root of the issue? How can we solve the problem?
Answer these questions:
How would you soothe a screaming baby?
How would you comfort a toddler who is terrified after falling in the deep end of a pool?
How would you calm a teenager after witnessing a car accident?
Although it defies all of our natural inclinations, the answers to these questions will lead us in the right direction. With those who are scared, we use gentle, kind tones. We hold them, if they’ll let us. We give them space if they ask for it. We find the closest snack and bottle of water and get it to them as fast as possible. We ask them to find a breath and breathe it deep. We rock them. We find a way to stay close if possible, or we find them other supportive adults.
The answer is the same with children who are lying, stealing, cursing, defying, and refusing. There is an added layer, though.
When the time is right (a little while after the problem), if correction is needed, we gently correct them and guide them in the right direction. We ask them to try the situation again, but this time (with us by their side), we show them how to do it the right way, and let them practice (several times, if necessary). We find ways for them to make it right. (For more ideas on this, check out this resource)
We teach them that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). And then, we remind ourselves that this is true for us, too. But, especially for children and teenagers who have experienced trauma, this does not just come naturally. They must be taught. They need a healthy, loving adult who is willing to teach them.
Are we willing?